There’s a new man in 88 year old Alice’s life.
Alice is my mother in law, a widow after 62 years of marriage. She lives alone and works at staying busy in her life. She has friends, she gets out a lot, she plays cards and takes a current events class. Alice also fights loneliness.
Loneliness in our widowed or divorced aging parents can be a constant. We worry about them. We visit and call, we go places with them. But we usually can’t do anything about their need for companionship with someone of the opposite sex.
In our consulting work, my psychologist husband, Dr. Mikol Davis and I often hear from families who have lonely, isolated aging parents. Adult children may feel frustrated that opportunities for enjoyable socialization for their parents are so limited. Isolation makes our aging parents vulnerable to predators, and abuses of many kinds.
Loneliness can affect anyone, but it is especially acute for aging parents who must cope with limited driving, disability, chronic diseases and other problems that can limit participation in social opportunities.
By two years after Dad died, my husband worried about his Mom and wished she would meet someone. She didn’t like going to movies alone.
Could we help? I thought we could at least try. We asked her about this and she said she would welcome some ideas. Here’s what we did.
We searched Alice’s area and found senior internet dating in the community where she lives. She was game for trying it. We set up an account for Alice with the dating service, as she didn’t know how to do that by herself. We can do internet research for our aging parents whether they can use the internet or not. Many are just not knowledgeable about how to look.
Although the dating service was too small, we kept looking and kept Alice interested in trying.
We next tried a major internet dating service, complete with monthly fees. I filled out the profile for her. She can get on the net and knows how to use Google, but she didn’t know how to upload her photo. She also had trouble describing herself. We helped with that.
If you imagine that it’s hard for a middle aged single person to find a decent date through an internet dating service, just imagine how hard it is if you’re 87!
Okay, I lied about her age on her profile. She looks great, and looks younger than she is. A few duds responded, but there wasn’t much of interest there. Alice was discouraged, but undaunted.
Eventually, Alice started looking around on her own. Months went by. Then, she was introduced to a new man. This gentleman is lonely, just like Alice is. They have some things in common. He has that most attractive of male qualities in the over 80 set: he drives at night! She doesn’t.
He wants to take her places. He has a snazzy new convertible and they go driving with the top down. He is crazy about her. She’s not too hot on the idea of a romance, but the attention feels great. She has a new friend.
There’s a different quality to this connection than there is in a classic romantic attraction. The human need to be with someone interesting and fun doesn’t age. One doesn’t have to feel romantic to feel happy. We just know that Alice is having a good time. She’s going places and doing things she can’t do alone. We’re cheering for Alice.
And for anyone out there who doesn’t have a valentine, please don’t give up. At 88, Alice has a guy. She’s not in love and really doesn’t want to be, but she has companionship. That is possible for all of us.
A fun date, something to look forward to and friendship, well, that will do just fine.
